Monday, ugh. It’s cloudy and threatening to rain outside, which is just ick… I didn’t bring an umbrella, so I really hope it either doesn’t rain, or rains while I’m at work and before I have to go home. I really am in desperate need of a new umbrella.
Over the weekend I kept coming up with all these great weight related topics that I wanted to blog about, and naturally, I’ve forgotten them all! Oh, now I remember one… I have been thinking a lot about how my weight and my own perception of my weight correlate. For as long as I can remember I have been heavier than my peers. When I was younger, I was probably 10 pounds overweight and as I’ve gotten older, that difference has been anywhere from 10 pounds to 80 pounds. Yet, how I have felt about myself and my body has remained remarkably consistent. Even at the times when I was barely heavier than my peers, I felt hugely different, and I really think this has been a major contributing factor to why I’ve gained when wanting so desperately to lose.
In a nutshell, I feel the same around my friends at 203 pounds as I do when I’m 165 pounds. Sure, at 165 I’m probably a size 12, can shop at regular stores, and maybe a stranger passing by wouldn’t see me and immediately label me as overweight… but, I’m still obviously bigger than my friends and therefore, still feeling bad about myself.
I noticed this a lot yesterday while shopping for bridesmaid dresses with my sisters and friend Eli. I’ve lost about 25 pounds since June, so you’d think I’d be happy and at least feeling better about how I look, but really, I’m still embarrassed. Here I am, in the middle of this huge bridal store watching my sisters and Eli effortlessly slip in and out of these sample bridesmaid dresses, all of which are obviously too big on them. They’re walking around wearing dresses that are being held up with chip clips, meanwhile, my big ol’ size 12 dress is hanging in a fitting room, still way too small for me to get into it. I want to be happy, but I just look at them and feel ashamed. None of those sample dresses would fit me, that’s a certainty.
Weight is such a confusing and complicated issue. On one hand, I feel like I’m on track and I am excited about reaching my next goal. On the other, I have all the feelings of embarrassment, shame, and just a feeling that I don’t fit in. I worry that even if I lose all this weight, I’m still going to feel that way. Obviously there will always be someone funnier, thinner, richer, etc. to compare myself to, and I worry that I won’t be able to stop. Yesterday it felt wrong that here I am, the overweight friend, and I’m getting married. Meanwhile, the thin, beautiful people around me are single. That doesn’t seem right.
I know drawing comparisons is useless, but I can’t help it. I used to always think I had good bone structure and an attractive face. But, once I lose this weight and I don’t have it as the reason I’m not beautiful, what if I don’t like what’s underneath? That’s kind of a scary thought. I was also watching the Sex and the City movie this weekend, and those women, my god they are thin. So will I just start comparing myself to that? I hope not.
Part of this just comes down to me being a perfectionist. I want to be the best I can be, whatever that is. I am always working on or towards something and trying to expand my horizons. I doubt I’ll ever be 100% content, and that’s okay, as long as I can feel comfortable. I just hope I don’t stay in this self critical mode forever. I want to think that once I have my weight under control, I will feel more at ease. I know that even if I reach my ultimate goal and get down to 130, I’ll never be able to relax when it comes to weight. This is the struggle I have in my life. Some people struggle to find their soul mate/partner, others struggle financially, still others struggle with guilt or other emotional issues. I struggle with my weight. I always have, and I expect that I always will. I just hope that in the future it’s a more manageable battle and not something that takes up such a huge portion of my life. I suppose only time will tell.
I can’t wait to “know” what happens when I get to my goal though. And, most importantly, I hope I realize and can appreciate looking and physically feeling good this time. I know I’ve looked pretty darn good at points in the past, but just due to my nature of comparing myself to everyone else, I never felt good. It’s only in hindsight that I can see how good I had it, and that’s a darn shame.
