A New Beginning

Normally, on a bad weight day (like today was) I feel bad in the morning, but after my workout I feel a little better.  Today that hasn’t happened though.  I picked up my inhaler and I used it before my workout as directed, but I don’t know if it helped or not.  I just got a new sports bra, which was really tight and I think it pretty much counter acted any positive effects I got from the inhaler.  *sigh*  What can you do?

All I know is that I’m feeling really down right now.  I have been feeling kind of miserable lately and I am starting to wonder if losing weight is even worth it.  Before when I was 203 pounds I was not comfortable in my skin but I felt fine otherwise.  Now, I’m still not comfortable in my skin and I’m also chronically sore, I’ve dislocated my right leg somehow, my back always hurts enough that I have trouble sleeping, I constantly have acid reflux, I’m constipated all the time, and it seems like every other thing I eat gives me gas or some other type of discomfort.  So, I guess I don’t see where this whole thing is worth it right now.

Not to mention that emotionally I am a basket case when it comes to my weight.  My progress has been so slow it’s basically non existent.  I’m growing to accept that I will not be able to wear the dress I bought, and whatever, that’s fine, but I really don’t want to be a fat bride.  I’ve been seeing lots of people’s wedding pictures lately and I just really really really do not want to be a fat bride.  I look at pictures of girls who appear to be my size on their wedding day and I wonder what it is they’re smiling about… I’m sure not happy looking like this.  The idea of coating my body in white fabric and then having to act as though I feel attractive and I’m happy all day makes me want to vomit.  About the only way I could do that right now would be to get so hammered that I didn’t even care who was waiting for me at the end of the aisle.  Seriously.

Is all of this crap I am putting myself through even healthy?  How is all of this effort even worth it when I have nothing to show for it?  Pounds are no longer coming off, inches aren’t coming off, my cardiovascular endurance is not improving, and I’m not lifting substantially heavier weights.  What other measures of progress are there?  I feel like I’ve made no progress in such a long time and I’m getting depressed again.  Where is the payoff in all of this?  I mean, I don’t look any different visually and I sure as shit am not feeling any better.  Can someone tell me what the point is?  I am tired of feeling so run down and achy and miserable.  I’m tired of my back hurting so much that I can’t sleep and I’m sick of getting on a treadmill only to have my body reject the idea of running for the millionth time.  Come on already…  I suppose it is possible that not every person is capable of being a runner, but personally, no matter how a person is built I think we are all capable of running 1 single mile.  Just one.  I may never be able to do a marathon, but I don’t think one 12 minute mile is asking for too much.

I guess I’m just having one of those “I hate this” kind of days… again.  I really don’t know what I’m going to do.  I guess I can get married without a photographer or something.  I just know that I definitely do not want pictures of me dressed up in that ivory monstrosity if I’m not substantially smaller.  I’ve seen one too many fat brides recently and I’m grossed out.  I would rather forget my wedding day entirely than have it remembered like that.   I’m sure it makes me a horrible person that when I look at these pictures all I notice are the flabby arms, thick mid-sections, and double chins, but that’s me.  I’m critical of many people and things, but of myself first and foremost.  If that’s what I see what I’m looking at pictures of others, I don’t even want to think about the thoughts that are going to appear in my head if I look at those pictures and I’m the one in them.

I’m tired of being the fat person everywhere I go… when does it stop?

I think I may wage a war with my scale soon because I am getting annoyed again. I have weighed myself every day, but these past few days I have not been liking what I saw. I’m at another plateau, I guess. Damn it. Today I weighed 177.5! I think that’s somewhat of a fluke though, since it’s only 11:30 and I have used the bathroom 3 times since I weighed myself already. I hope that there was some water retention or whatever factored into that number. I’m telling myself that there is.

I’m just getting annoyed though. I don’t have the time to be obsessing over my weight 24/7. I want to have a life, for god sake! It sure seems like I get one or the other; I can focus on nothing but my weight and I’ll slowly lose, or I can think about other things and have my weight loss stop or even see my weight increase. This weekend should have been good for my weight. I didn’t over eat and I was really busy so I wasn’t just sitting around. I am so tired from the weekend that being back at work actually feels good! So wtf, why am I heavier now than I have been in weeks? It makes NO sense. And, before anyone even brings it up (my pet peeve) it is NOT muscle. My measurements are going up too, so I don’t even want to hear it.

I just don’t know what to think or do sometimes. I went to the doctor about my inability to make progress with running on Friday. Despite the appointment taking over 2 hours, nothing has really been resolved. I was prescribed an inhaler to use before I work out, so I’m going to try that starting today. I really hope it helps. I’m so frustrated lately I could scream. I really don’t think you are supposed to have to give up your entire life just to lose weight, so why does it seem like I have to? I don’t have the time or any desire to plan every damn thing I eat. Life isn’t about making these ridiculously detailed plans! People who plan too much end up disappointed and/or feeling guilty all the time when, inevitably, things do not go to plan. I know this because I’m already too much of a planner. I can’t take constantly feeling disappointed in myself because one night I felt like having chicken instead of salmon or whatever the case is. That is a ridiculous waste of time and energy.

I’m really just starting to get angry, which is not going to help anything. At this point I’m so far off track I really don’t think there’s any possibility of hitting my next goal of 164 by December 2. That’s over a 10 pound loss in a month. I’ve never lost even close to 10 pounds in one month, so I know that isn’t in the cards. Ugh, I hate this. I am pretty certain now that my dress is not going to fit by the time of my wedding, which means I have to spend money on another dress. Money that I don’t want to spend because I don’t even care that much about my wedding! It’s a huge waste of money, if you ask me. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Right now all I want to do is go home, put on a warm shirt (it’s freezing in here, of course) and finish those damn curtains that are all over my house right now. I swear, a messy environment leads to a messy mind. Our house is a mess from our weekend of home improvement and I seriously hate it. Our living room furniture is all pushed to one side of the room because we were installing the chandelier. As a result of that, there is drywall dust everywhere and the floors are just disgusting. I despise drywall; it is by far my least favorite home improvement related task. Anything having to do with it makes me cringe because it’s just so dusty and gross.

Anyway, I hope I am in a better mood tomorrow. And I hope my fiancée will clean the stupid living room instead of gaming all damn night. He’s usually awesome about that kind of stuff, I just know I can’t take another day of the house being this much of a mess. I have to finish all of this sewing, so he needs to do the cleaning, unfortunately.

I may need to stop watching The Biggest Loser. Yesterday, I saw a girl that now weighs only 6 pounds more than me lose 8 pounds in a single week. How is that possible? Also, if you watched the show, you saw the contestants go to the doctor’s office and hear about how their health has improved. I was particularly struck when Brady said that when he got to the ranch he could hardly go 2.5 mph on the treadmill at a slight incline and now he’s able to run at 6 mph for 30 minutes. WTF? When I hear this stuff I just start to wonder what in the world is wrong with me. Those contestants have been at the ranch for only 6 weeks! I have now been working on the c25k program for 18 weeks and I can only “run” for 6 minutes at 5 mph. By the end of my 6 minutes my heart rate is in the 170s and occasionally the 180s. I seriously feel like I am dying and I can’t imagine going much longer. Maybe if I had Jillian yelling at me I’d be able to go a little longer, but there’s just no way I could handle 30 minutes right now. I’m dizzy and feeling nauseous as it is.

Ugh, this is so frustrating. Everyone who runs regularly seems to actually enjoy it, but not me. I loathe every second. Why is this so hard for my body to get used to? You’d think that the fact that I just suck it up and DO IT three times every damn week would at least yield some progress. My improvement has been so minimal, it’s laughable. I’m carrying less weight than most of these Biggest Loser contestants, I do weight training twice a week, I keep my calories under 1550 (net after exercise) at least 90% of the time (probably more than that), and many days my net intake is below 1000 calories. I cannot work out more than I am and be able to continue doing so for any real length of time. I don’t think cutting my calories further is going to help, and I know that eating more doesn’t work either. Why is my body so stubbornly holding onto this weight and why is my cardiovascular endurance refusing to improve? What. The. Fuck.

Now, I realize that I can’t expect Biggest Loser caliber results, I get that. I don’t expect to lose 8 pounds in one week, but man, it would be nice to lose 1.5 consistently! I don’t expect to be a marathon runner by the end of the year, but it sure would be nice to actually be able to follow a running program without having to repeat each week 5 times. What am I doing wrong? Is there anything I’m doing right? I honestly can’t tell sometimes.

Ugh, I really love watching The Biggest Loser, but it’s hard not to feel like a total failure sometimes. I really don’t get how someone can go from barely being able to walk to being in better physical shape than I am in such a short time. How is it their muscles even have time to recover? And, if they’re able to go from where they started to surpassing me in only 6 weeks, why is it that my body can’t get up to speed with a simple running program in 18 weeks? All I want is to be able to enjoy running the way I know many people do. Right now all I enjoy about running is stopping.

The other thing about running that really frustrates me is that my legs NEVER hurt when I do it. My legs feel nothing at all. The problem is my chest, always. I cannot seem to breathe when I exercise and my chest becomes tight. Then the whole side stitch thing sets in. It’s downright painful, but I push though and finish my intervals. Some days I recover pretty quickly, other days I don’t. It all seems so random, which is also irritating.

But, all of that said, I have a few other observations about The Biggest Loser. First off, has anyone else noticed that this season the contestants never seem to be wearing just regular clothes? In prior seasons they would sort of dress up for the voting at least. I liked that because it gave me a better idea of how they actually looked. Seeing someone in an oversize T-shirt, or shirtless makes it hard for me to tell just how big they really are for some reason. For example, Colleen is only a few pounds heavier than I am now, but when I see her, her overall shape still seems round to me. Granted, she’s 4 inches shorter, but even so. Also, Amy’s video of where she is now, she says she’s a size 8, but she definitely looks bigger than that still (sorry!). I guess I just can’t really compute it all in my head; to me I still look smaller than these people, particularly when I am dressed. I feel as though I actually look about the same as Amy who was cut yesterday looked in her video, but I’m sure as shit not a size 8.

Honestly, I’m not trying to be critical. I just don’t understand why it is I’m still wearing 14s and 16s at 175 when these contestants appear to not be any smaller (and all of them look bigger at the weigh ins) and are claiming to be size 8s. I’ve hardly gone down in sizes after losing 30 pounds… what gives?

Man, I am just frustrated again. I actually forgot to weigh myself today, but oh well. I haven’t used the bathroom in days, YET AGAIN, so I’m sure I wouldn’t have liked the number on the scale. I am really just worn out. I’m tired of not eating the foods I want to and feeling guilty whenever I do. I’m so sick of sandwiches and salads for lunch I’d rather just not eat at all. I am always sore, always tired, always feeling worn out. Every vitamin I’ve tried makes me nauseous, fiber makes me gassy, my digestive system seems to take about 4 days to process anything, and I just want to feel normal.

This is a lot of hoop jumping just so I can get through life without drawing negative attention to myself when I’m doing normal, everyday things. And, worse yet, is having people asking about my weight in a way that makes me feel worse. YES, I’M LOSING WEIGHT!!! Skinny friends and relatives, quit making a federal case of it, you don’t get it and you never will understand how hard it has been so shut the hell up! No one in my real life understands how hard I have been working; to ask me if I’ve lost 10 pounds is insulting at this point. I know no one can tell, least of all me, but I’ve lost 30 damn pounds. That’s 3 times more work than anyone can guess by looking at my pictures though.

Ok, I guess my rant is over. I can’t wait to go home.