A New Beginning

So I’ve been thinking more about why I get annoyed when people compliment me on losing weight.  I just re-read something I posted on a Spark board that I visit and I think I know the answer.  I think it’s because I am personally embarrassed about my weight, whether it’s low or high, so I really just don’t like it when someone points it out.  Even when it’s a good thing, I just don’t want my weight being brought into the spotlight just yet.  I like to think that once I reach my goal I will be able to maintain it and then, after a couple years, if I run into someone I haven’t seen and my weight comes up, I will be happy to have it noticed.  Right now though, I feel like I’ve definitely got something to prove.

When my weight went from 187 to 205 I was really embarrassed.  That isn’t a huge change, I realize, but it was enough that my clothes didn’t fit me properly and I started to have extra weight in areas I never had before.  For example, my arms were too big for a lot of shirts and my legs had lost all their definition.  Plus, my double chin had turned into a triple, that was probably the worse part of all.  My face just looked very round and I didn’t even recognize myself.  When I got over 200 I stopped weighing myself and I just wanted to hide.  I would wear huge sweatshirts and generally tried to look frumpy.  Sweats were the only things I had that were comfortable, but it wasn’t even just that.  It was also because of my embarrassment.  I figured if I didn’t bother with makeup and wore sweats all the time, everyone would know I wasn’t putting any effort into my appearance.  Somehow in my head, not putting in any effort at all was better than letting anyone think that I had put in effort and still looked bad anyway.  I definitely tried to avoid a lot of social situations when I was heaviest.  I went out only out of a sense of obligation.  I mean, really, who has any fun at a bar with their thin, attractive friends when no guy even looks in their direction?  It didn’t matter that I was engaged; feeling invisible like that still doesn’t feel good.

So, here I am now, weighing about 165.  Read the rest of this entry »

What I’m wondering today is if it’s ever really okay to comment on another person’s weight.  Since I’ve been losing (though not this month, argh!), I’ve been getting lots of comments.  The people who say them to me mean it as a compliment, I think, but I really am getting tired of it.  When I was first trying to lose weight I was really hoping someone would notice, but now that I’ve lost over 30 pounds, I’m kind of tired of hearing about it.

I get the comments from my family, mostly.  My friends don’t acknowledge my weight much, which I prefer.  I have one friend who will ask me how my loss is going, and although I’m sure there are people who would not be comfortable with that, I prefer it.  I haven’t tried to hide the fact that I’m working on losing weight, and I’d honestly rather talk about the process, my progress, etc. instead of getting these overenthusiastic “Wow!  You look GREAT!” comments.  I realize that most of us look better when we’re not carrying extra weight.  But, when comments like those come from women that have been naturally thin their entire lives, I don’t really think they have a clue how hard I’ve been working and most of the time the comments seem almost condescending.  I prefer it when my friend will just outright ask me how it’s going because by doing that, it’s not assuming that my life is happier or better now.  To me, it doesn’t imply that there was something wrong with me before and it’s more of a discussion, really.  We both have worked hard on our weight and fitness, so we can talk about what we’ve done that works, what doesn’t, what’s hard, what’s not so bad, etc.  And, this isn’t because my friend who asks me this is fat or has ever had a weight problem.  She hasn’t.  She has always been thin and someone who’s fitness I’ve admired but, I know she works at it, which does make her different from most of the people in my life.

Why is it that people who would never dream of saying something to me about my weight when I’m gaining it feel that it’s okay and/or even complimentary to say something about it when I’m losing weight?  Read the rest of this entry »

My random thoughts today:

• Why does life always seem so much better after a workout?
• If working out and doing good things for yourself feels so good, then why is food (which is bad) always so hard to resist?
• Why doesn’t any purse I buy ever stay on my shoulder when I walk?
• Why are weddings so damn complicated?  Aren’t they just a party, after all?
• Why is it that I hate my job so much, even though I know it’s a great job and logically I very much appreciate it?

I am all over the place with my emotions lately.  When the alarm goes off in the morning I’m pretty much guaranteed to be in a bad mood.  Who wants to get up at 6:25 when it’s still completely dark outside and the house is cold?  Not me.  I find I’m annoyed by the smallest offense, like when Rob opens the door to walk to the garage before I’m ready.  In my head, it’s a waste to open the door and let all that heat out when there’s nothing to do in the garage but wait for me, so he may as well wait in the house and save our heat.  It’s so minor and dumb though, it’s not something worth being annoyed at.  Yet, I am.  I just hate coming to work so much.  I wish I could sleep until it was light out, work out, get dressed and then go to work.

But, after I’m done at the gym and I’ve put my bags down at the office, I’m instantly in a much better mood.  Read the rest of this entry »