A New Beginning

I have been meaning to post for about 5 days now because last Friday, June 19th was my 1 year anniversary from when I fully dedicated myself to changing my lifestyle and losing weight. I have been waiting to post because I really wanted to find a picture of myself from last year and then have one taken of me as I am now so I could put them side by side in this post. But, I still haven’t dug up an old picture and I just don’t want to wait to post any longer, so oh well! I also meant to take measurements and new pictures last weekend but I just ended up being in a rush both mornings, it seemed. So, hopefully this Saturday I will do it, I swear, I’m gonna!!

Anyway, things have changed pretty dramatically compared to a year ago. It has been a very busy year full of lots of changes. At this time last year I was pretty depressed, but not so much so that I felt depression was taking over my life. I was 205 pounds and felt horrible about myself. I hid from cameras and avoided going out and doing things in general because I didn’t want to be seen. This probably makes me a little weird, but one way I think about how I’m feeling about myself is how I would feel if I ran into an ex-boyfriend… Would I feel empowered and proud of who I am? Or would I feel humiliated, sad, desperate, etc.? Last June, I would have been embarrassed about how I looked and, despite how much I had going for myself at that time, I wouldn’t have been proud. Today, I would love to run into an ex. I look better than I probably ever have, I’m in better shape physically, I am actually feeling happy, and I have everything I could want at this point in my life. I would love to run into one of them if for no other reason than to have a “I’m so much better off, in your face!” kind of moment. That probably make me a mean person, but I don’t care.

So, let’s see. In the past year I’ve lost almost 50 pounds (49.5 to be precise), I got married, decorated my living room, kitchen, and family room, completed all of the courses for my real estate broker’s license, managed to hold onto my job, decorated my closet, replaced about 90% of my wardrobe with smaller sizes, and become semi-accomplished at American Idol karaoke. Ha. A year ago there is no way I would have had the guts to sing karaoke in front of anyone and now it’s one of my favorite things to do, even though I really am not a good singer. I think it’s those smaller changes that are the most rewarding part about losing weight. I haven’t really changed who I am, I just no longer feel as though I have to hide.

Now I really just don’t care if people don’t like me so I’m not afraid of being myself. When I was heavier, I was so insecure and while my weight definitely impaired my confidence, it was also a safety net because if someone didn’t like me, it was of course because I was fat. It was what protected me from the thought that someone might not like me if they got to know my personality. I couldn’t handle that kind of rejection in the past, and despite hating being overweight, it was a small protection. Now that I have more confidence and I’m not feeling depressed, I really don’t care if everyone likes me because I realize that expecting everyone to like me is unreasonable anyway. I certainly don’t like everyone, why would everyone like me? And, that’s just fine. Since I’ve sort of let go and my self-loathing thoughts about my weight are no longer dominating my conversations, I’ve actually realized something; more people like me than I thought! There are a ton of people in my life that I have gotten to know better in this past year, and none of them needed to make an effort to get to know me, but they have anyway. Now, that is weird. I still don’t fully believe it, actually.

In this past year, and in particular these past few weeks I’ve been taking lexapro, I feel like my life has changed so much. Yet, when I really think about it, it hasn’t changed all that much at all. I live in the same house, have the same job, drive the same car, mostly have the same friends, etc. But, now I just feel more optimistic and like I have more options. I’ve felt very trapped in the past, especially when it comes to my job. I’m so used to earning a certain income, and Rob and I bought our crazy house because we were certain our incomes would stay constant (which they have), but what I’m doing for my job is not something I’m passionate about or even remotely interested in. If I didn’t have this job I would know nothing about these laws, this industry, or finance in general because I just don’t care about anything finance related except for as it relates to real estate (my job doesn’t at all though). So in a way, I kind of am trapped in this job, but I’ve found ways around it in the past few weeks. A month from now I’ll be a broker, I’ll have a registered limited liability company, have a company website, and be on my way to wheelin’ and dealin’ in the real estate markets. It’ll only be part time, of course, but it’s a start and maybe the beginning of my exit from this corporate world that I don’t so much care for. At least now the possibility is out there, you know? Of course it has always been there, but I just didn’t believe it before the way I do now.

So that is my reflection on the past year. It has been a cornerstone year for me, I think. I’m happy to have lost weight and I hope to keep going this year. I’ve learned that patience really is key to weight loss and that, for me, exercise is very important because it is what allows me to life a lifestyle in which I don’t feel deprived all the time. Plus, exercise is just empowering. A year ago running for 30 seconds had my heart rate up in the 180s. Now I can run 5 miles without stopping and hopefully soon I’ll be doing it in under 50:00. I hope this next year is the one where I can finish losing weight once and for all and then work on maintaining. I still can’t really imagine a life where I don’t ever worry about my weight, but I like to think that someday I’ll have one.