A New Beginning

So I was just on one of my Spark Teams on Spark People and a post got me thinking. In the post, one of the team members was talking about a health and wellness class she just attended and in the class the instructor talked about goals. The instructor asked everyone to think about why they have the goals they do. She also asked the class how much they are willing to “pay” to reach those goals. That is something I have been thinking about so much lately and honestly, I don’t know if I am willing to pay the price I need to to meet my weight loss goals anymore.

Just thinking about why I have the goals that I do, my reasons initially were many. Now, I can’t really say. I picked a goal weight of 130 because one day like a year and a half ago, my sister was over for a party and at one point we went up into the master bathroom and she weighed herself in front of me. I think I was trying to decide what a reasonable goal was for myself, actually. So, fully clothed and in the evening where we had been eating and drinking she stepped on the scale and it said 130.0. I figured, if that’s what she weighs totally dressed and after eating, then that’s a reasonable amount that I can weigh if I’m undressed and haven’t eaten anything. Reasonable enough, right? Then I picked a bunch of weights between my weight at the time and my ultimate goal that seemed significant for one reason or another… 10% loss, getting into a certain BMI category, etc.

When I first started trying to lose weight, I had so many reasons for wanting to do so. I didn’t want to feel so tired all the time, I wanted to be able to go out to bars and feel comfortable, I wanted to be able to climb the subway stairs without feeling winded, I wanted to wear a single digit size in clothes, I wanted to be able to wear a bikini, and I just wanted to enjoy my life in general. What I’m realizing now though, is that I don’t have to specifically weigh 130 pounds for most of those things to happen. With the exception of my clothing size and bikini goal, I feel I’ve achieved all of my other goals. And really, those were the goals more than reaching any certain number on the scale ever has been. My goal was to feel like I could live my life without being embarrassed about my appearance. All along I’ve just wanted to be able to be myself.

But, now here’s the thing, I’m still pretty far from my original ultimate goal and I don’t want to be a quitter and just give up on it. At the same time, I don’t think I am willing to do what it will take to get there. I had to make a lot of changes to get where I am. The main one has been exercising consistently. I exercise more consistently than anyone I know. I have had to eat healthier foods, eat less in general, stop dining at McDonald’s so much, etc. Those changes have been tough for me. Now I’m staring down the barrel of these last 30ish pounds, and I just don’t know if I’m willing to give what it will take to get there. I absolutely am not going to exercise more than 5 hours a week. I just know I can’t keep that up for the rest of my life because just doing what I do now takes up more time than I wish it did and I have a pretty simple life right now. Lately I have been doing a cost benefit analysis in my head just about every day, and I guess I just don’t feel like the benefit of losing another 28 pounds is worth the cost it will take to get there. I don’t want to exercise more, I don’t know how much less I can eat without feeling deprived, I don’t want to count calories anymore, I don’t like having to plan my food a week in advance because I feel trapped by a planned menu and honestly that just doesn’t seem like the way most people live. I don’t know… I just don’t know.

Technically I am still 4 pounds overweight. But, does that matter? I am confident that I have more muscle than an average person, and heck, I can run 5 miles without stopping. I don’t think I’m going too overboard by saying that I am pretty fit, and yes, still a little fat. But, I just don’t feel trapped by my weight now the way I used to, so my incentive to lose weight is gone in a lot of ways. I am wondering why I feel partially compelled to lose more when I’m happy right now anyway.

I just don’t know what I should do when it comes to my weight anymore. My body isn’t bikini ready, and while I sometimes still wish it were, the reality is that I don’t even like swimming. It’s not as though anyone would ever see! I feel like I’ve found a balance I can really live with right now. I can eat at restaurants and enjoy it, I can drink alcohol, I basically do what I want when it comes to food and I exercise to balance everything. I don’t know if I can really adjust my lifestyle much more without feeling unhappy or deprived. Does this make sense to anyone else?